Friday, 29 May 2009

10 reasons why men are lazy: 1)

Thursday, 28 May 2009

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my next New Year's resolution. 1024×768.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Statistically, 13 out of 13 triskaidekaphobics won't like this joke

Monday, 18 May 2009

John Terry has been quoted as saying he feels Chelsea were robbed against Barcelona. Marks & Spencers have said "Now he knows how we feel when his mum has been in store".

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

Friday, 15 May 2009

Josef Fritzl was said to be inconsolable today after receiving his revised council tax bill for the past 25 years.

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Common Cold by Ogden Nash

Go hang yourself, you old M.D,!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
In not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The F├╝hrer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton, the last time someone got battered that badly around the ring they were found dead in Michael Barrymore's pool.

Monday, 11 May 2009

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?